I AM: in recovery

For the past 6 weeks or so, I've been attending a 12 step group in order to heal from my past and stop the patterns I feel trapped in in the present.

Tonight, I shared my work on Step 1 with my group. Step 1 reads "We came to admit we were powerless over (issue here), and that our lives had become unmanageable."

Sharing the places in my life where I am powerless, and the ways it has become unmanageable is no easy task. I'd felt sick half the afternoon. My ego did NOT want me doing this. I left the house late, I got lost on the way (!). When it came time to share, I wondered whether I would be able to speak. I have been carrying so much around inside of me. I have been polishing my mask. I withdraw when I don't think I'll be able to put on the perfect face... I've been withdrawing a lot lately.

As I opened my notebook and began to read, I could hear my voice trembling. I read. I could hear these judgmental voices in my head commenting on my words. I kept reading. I began to hear sounds of affirmation in the group. I kept reading. The Truth of my situation would hit me. I would choke up, and tears would fill my eyes so that I could not see. Someone would hand me a tissue. Someone else would put their hand on my shoulder. I kept reading.

When I was done with all the mess, all the exposure, all the admissions of powerless, all the lists of how I'd lost control, all the places my life has become unmanageable, I closed my notebook. Everyone was smiling at me. Everyone thanked me for sharing. It was time to break into small groups.

Several women gave me hugs. Told me how proud they were of me.

In my small group, the women praised me for my honesty. They congratulated me on my hard work. They told me I inspired them to work harder on their own steps.

One woman told me after the meeting that when she heard me talking so openly, so honestly and looking so deeply, she thought to herself "There is a woman that has hope. There is a woman who will heal and help others to do the same."

That meant so much to me. Before going to this group, I had been feeling mighty hopeless. I felt trapped in the negative patterns of my life- like I'd returned to levels of toxicity that I have not seen since I left the Southern Baptist church and my family's home. I was back in a situation where there is no emotional safety. Where honesty is almost impossible. Where everyone was playing roles and afraid to be themselves. It was deeply eroding not only my sense of self-esteem, but my relationship and connection with God.

I understood why my ego had fought my sharing tonight. Instead of the harsh, condemning, judgmental voices that I receive within my family, or the masjid, I heard words of praise and encouragement. Instead of being cut down and made to feel worthless, I was raised up and made to feel valuable. Instead of feeling terrible for admitting my powerlessness, my lack of control, I was embraced and congratulated for being so diligent and honest with the process.

How different this is from my experience in the community. Is that not a tragedy?
Surely, this is how Prophet Mohammad made people feel. Encouraging their honesty, their sincere tawba. Creating an atmosphere where that is possible, knowing that we are all flawed. Congratulating those that can readily admit those flaws and who work the process of coming closer to God.

The masjid today has gotten so far away from that sense of support and community that I envision when I read about The Prophet and his Companions. Instead of loving one another through our flaws, any flaw- no matter how minor- is exposed and castigated. Someone who seems to be losing control is not encircled and supported, but isolated and gossipped about. Victims of abuse are blamed, not helped. Abusers protected. It is severly dysfunctional. Tremendously toxic.

"Islam" is a state of being. The state of Peace, Health, Wholeness, Balance that comes from living in alignment with one's True Nature, fitrah, and the relationship with God that inevitably follows that alignment. I experienced that Peace tonight. I feel restored to Wholeness and Balance, and that is incredibly Healthy.

Too bad I had to be so far away from the masjid to find it...